The XFL Is Coming Back.
With the news of Vince McMahon possibly bringing back the XFL, I wanted to share my vision for what the husband of a Trump cabinet member is going to create.
Players will be held at gunpoint and forced to stand for the National Anthem. In the quarter-filled bleachers, fat, white men will slug down Bud Heavies as the Star-Spangled Banner is played. After the anthem wraps up, I envision a video message from the president, in the most rudimentary English imaginable, praising the XFL while taking shots at the NFL.
Remember the first iteration of the XFL? No coin toss, just a concussion-inducing race to the ball. NOT ANYMORE! This time, a goat, stolen from a Middle Eastern family will be sacrificed and its blood will be poured into two American Flag cups purchased from Wal-Mart (but made in Singapore). Each team’s representative will chug the goat blood and the winner gets the ball.
Concussion checks? FUCK THAT. These players will be ownerships property. If they want to make a few thousand dollars a game, they are going to have to put it all on the line. There is no room for words like evidence-based, science, or healthcare in the XFL. In fact, if you’re diagnosed with a concussion and can manage to continue playing, you’ll be awarded one point for every quarter you make it.
Remember how players could put whatever name they wanted on their jerseys? In XFL 2.0 players will be required to wear their favorite xenophobic, misogynistic, or ethnocentric phrase. AND the uniforms will either be stars and stripes, camo, or completely corporate sponsored. I can’t wait til the Arby’s Meat Sweats play the Alabama MAGA Army.
Just picture that. A bunch of mildly talented football players, wobbling around, with blood trickling from their ears and noses, not knowing where the fuck they are. Now that’s football.
The gameplay was what really hurt the XFL last time around. I don’t understand why people didn’t like watching 10-6 clusterfuck but they didn’t. So now Vince is just going to award points for various on-field plays. Helmet-to-helmet hit? 4 points for the defense. Chop block? 2 points for the offense (Double if you hurt the defender’s knee.) This shit will be like the fucking hunger games.
When it comes to playoff time, it’ll be a battle royale. Two one-hundred-yard fields running perpendicular to each other; crossing at the 50-yard line. Just imagine Trent Richardson plowing over a guy who is the janitor at Notre Dame on one field and Johnny Manziel scrambling for his life on another. In one perfect and serendipitous moment, their paths cross and TRENT RICHARDSON DECLEATS JOHNNY FOOTBALL…BAH GAWD THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY!!!!
The more I think about it, the more jacked up I am. I don’t know whether to drink a Monster Energy or have an Old Milwaukee. Either way, I can’t wait for the XFL to give me a red, white, and blue exploner.
In all seriousness, the XFL is a terrible fucking idea.